I just wanted Jeans 

I just wanted Jeans

Some days its like everything I touch manages to fuck up around me. So lets say hypothetically I thought it might be nice to get a pair of jeans. I go to the mall because that should be a good place to find them.
The endeavor started to go down hill as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. It was like being on campus because everyone is stalking people for their places. There is not a lot of people that want to come to this mall, but there are even less parking spaces. Finally I get one,I get out and take a breath as I tend to do several times a minute. This breath was different. As the air come into my nose I felt an aweful salty tingly kind of feeling. I about threw up because something smelled so absolutely aweful. I thought I had parked on a dead animal. It was just this nasty thick smell like sour milk mixed with piss and vomit. The smell only got worse as I got closer to the building however ittook on a much more distinc fecal matter type of odor. I couldnt even breath through my nose without wretching up. FInally After what seemed like a long slow tedious walk I got inside to safety.

I figure american eagle has as good of jeans as anyone. No. They do not. In fact their jeans are shit. Fuck them. Aparently a 32-34 at abercrombie means absolutely nothing anyplace else because their jeans in the same size were not the same size. If thatmade sense to you then I feel your pain. And their boot cut is gay as hell in case anyone else out there didnt get the memo. All I ask is for a pair of jeans that is long enough for me and doesnt do something retarded liek flare out or taper to my ankle. These jeans sucked. They flared and felt like they were made of paper.

So i go to dillards thinking that perhaps this department store will have a larger selection. I was wrong. I learned a little something today. Department stores dont follow rules of logic. Here is how things work in department stores. About 7/ 8 of the store is well stocked and pretty and smells nice and is clean and shiney. The other eighth of the store is the mens dept. And it looks like hell. Nothing is on the shleves it is all in piles on top of the shelves and on the floors. It is all out of order. As an added bonus, the whole area smells like a foot. Other fun facts I learned were: levis jeans have not changed since 1990 They are still out of style and I guess the designers at that company figured you could disguise an ugly cut by dying it to look "vintage". Idiots. They are just waiting for them to come back in style again i guess.
Nautica jeans are baggy as shit. And polo or ralph lauren or whoever have these little labels on them
that have a disclaimer. "caution these jeans contain heavy dye and need to be washed before wearing and also should always be washed separate from other clothes in cold water".
So basically... these jeans are dangerous. They will fuck up your skin and also your other clothes. Wash them separately. Horse shit. One miht think these would be less expensve than normal jeans but no. To prevent people from buying them the nice people at the sweat shop actually added 10 bucks to the price.

Then there is some brand called lucky. You would have to be to afford the things. They cost like 80 bucks.
Damn that! Then there is this other brand that looked promising. I dont remember the name. It sounded french, but it could have just been spelled funny. So I grabbed a pair in what appeared to be my size. Tthe label said they were my size. However, I had a hard time getting my legs into them. It was like girl jeans or something. They were incredibly tight through my thighs. It was like there was no need to button them. The pressure around my thighs was enough to hold them hup. I could not have had kids if I wore these for more than an hour in the summer. My nads would have done a 180.

These jeans were "designer". Meaning they had stupid shit on them like a button fly. Fuck a button fly. This is possibly the most useless item ever to appear on a mans article of clothing. I need easy access in case of a bladder control emergency. This is a fact. Men require easy access.


Needless to say, I did not come home with any jeans.